My Encounter with the Asians and Biggie

I have had SUCH a productive morning.

I got up like a person, showered like a person, walked to work like a person and then was told in person, rather than a convenient call, that the staff is having a retreat today from 8:30 to 4, so my being there is unnecessary.

I toyed with the idea of going home and sleeping until my next class (which starts at 2), but then somehow my feet led me to the bus stop and I got to Tempe by 8:30. Having nothing else to do I went over to Einstein Bros. and got a coffee and a freaking delicious Asiago Bagel with Veggie Shmear.

I sit down in the beautiful morning sunshine and begin to eat, watching the birds frolic around me and noticing that one of them is pretty much a person and definitely the leader of the bunch; I'll call him Biggie Smallz.

So Biggie's prancing around like the little sparrow he is, when he looks up and notices that I'm watching him. There was an awkward moment when we made eye contact and we both instictively understood that we had both been creepin'.

The next thing I knew, he had leapt up onto the chair next to me. There was something in his beady little eyes that told me that he was the dominant animal in our encounter and that I should feed him without question.

So I did.

I took a little piece of bagel (minus the shmear; I could tell he had no time for shmear) and held it close to him. He looked at me like I was an idiot. So of course, I put it closer.

And let me just tell you that it was the most spiritually uplifting and bitchin' moment of my life when Biggie leaned over and took it straight from my quivering fingertips.

Of course I instantly texted everyone I know about the event.

So, thinking he's finished with me, I go back to sipping my coffee and watching Laura, a girl with shitty taste in music and pink streaks in her gingery-brown hair whose name I only know because she was talking to her doctor about a cough she's been having that apparently leaves her breathless and dying after an attack (I definitely saw no death and she was coughing enough for an entire culture).

But he came back! I looked over and he was sitting right where he was before, looking at me with the same expression as he had when we first met. But this time he had some crumbs of my bagel on his tiny beak. I would meet the only gluttonous Animorph.

So I gave him another piece.

And then he left me without a word or a cheep. He may as well have left a twenty on the bedside table.

After that I went over to bask in the sunshine on the mall in the middle of campus. On my way there I happened across a booksale and purchased an anthology of Emerson for $8. It was printed in 1969 and smells fabulous. I read the entirity of "The American Scholar" before I realized that ONCE AGAIN I had been bitten by some mysterious insect. They are the bane of my motherfucking existence.

So I scratched it with the end of the concrete I was sitting on, leaving not only a droplet of blood from a scratch, but a huge ashy patch of skin that definitely needed some undoing.

I walked over to the Store of Ridiculously Expensive Bullshit, but on my way I encountered a group of Asians tabling to save the Vietnamese children from poverty and donated a dollar to their cause (because I'm SUCH a good person) and they gave me a box of "Lucky Stick" as compensation. I don't know if you know what those are, but they are the shiznit. "Biscuit stick covered with chocolate flavored cream." Oh man.

But then I get to the SOREB and purchase a tiny thing of lotion for $5. What the hell? It's 3 fluid ounces. They should be giving that shit away! And not only that, but it's thicker than crap and upon applying it, I looked like I was preparing to attack the neighboring tribe! Horseshit.

But that's been my morning. 3 hours of excitement. I would be getting off of work in 7 minutes, and I probably would have just watched Glee. Which is cool. But not as cool as feeding starving Asians and Biggie.